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Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Thursday, June 11, 2015

Explanations

I've learned over the years that I'm someone that craves explanations. I want things to make sense, I want to know why something may have happened. I need logic.

Granted, I don't always need to know exactly why something happened, sometimes we just don't know, but I find myself still wanting to make an educated guess. And when there is a disconnect between what happens and a proposed explanation, I get frustrated. "That's impossible! There's no way that what you just said could have caused that." Those close to me are all too familiar with my need for logical conclusions, and my irritated response when I'm not satisfied with the answer. 

But I know we don't always get answers. Why do bad things happen to good people? Life is random, mysterious, and unpredictable at times, it's part of what makes it both devastating and exhilarating. In many cases I'm perfectly content with the explanation that sometimes things happen that there are no logical explanations for, it's the universe at work.

My diabetes falls somewhere in the middle.

Too many times I've found myself frustrated with a high or low blood sugar, not understanding why it happened when it seemed that I did everything "right" to avoid it. I rack my brain trying to come up with a logical explanation, but sometimes there are just too many variables to consider. Was I really that far off in my carb counting? Is this a delayed effect from the exercise I did earlier? Is something wrong with the insulin? Is there a bend in the tubing? Is the insulin not being absorbed at the site? Am I getting sick? Am I stressed? So much to consider, I can't always draw a one-to-one connection for a high or low.

Last week I was shocked to see a blood sugar that was over 500. A rare event, my first thought was why?? Well really it was "Oh f*ck" but then why did this happen?!? I ran through the list in my head as I tested my ketones, gave myself a shot, and changed my infusion set.

You don't always get answers for everything in life. I've learned to accept it and move on with the information that is available.

But sometimes, when you're lucky, you get exactly the explanation you need.

bent infusion set cannula blocking insulin from being delivered

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Diabetes Blog Week Day 6- Favorites

Diabetes Blog Week

I have a lot of posts that I like, but this one from January 2013 might just be my favorite. It attempts to explain the complicated relationship that I have with sugar...



If my relationship with Sugar were on Facebook, it would say "It's Complicated".

I'm not sure when Sugar and I first met, it seems like we've known each other forever. I hadn't really paid too much attention to him when I was young, but I was always happy when he made an appearance. Sugar, or Sug for short, didn't really come around too often. I think he was intimidated by my dentist dad and health conscious mom. He did however show up at birthday parties, holidays, and other special occasions. He and I always had a good time together, especially eating candy at the movies, cotton candy at the fair, and ice cream in the summer.

When I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, my relationship with Sugar began to change, and has been evolving ever since. I think that was the first time I really took notice of him. He had that certain mix of sweet, yet dangerous. He'd make you feel good, but left you wanting more.

I couldn't stay away.

Sug and I began to spend a lot of time together. When we weren't together, he was constantly on my mind. There seemed to be two sides to him. On the one hand, he could always make me feel better when I was feeling low. I needed him, and he was always there for me. But on the other hand, when I spent too much time with him, he'd make me feel sick.

I know that Sug can be trouble. In the past few years he's started showing up at the bar where I'd be hanging out with my friends."He's coming over," my friends would tell me, "and he looks good!" He would approach the table with an invitation that is hard to refuse. Tripple sec, sour, orange juice, and cranberry juice. He was coming on strong tonight! He'd clearly already worked his magic on my friends, sometimes he could be so sweet that it was hard to say no to him. I eyed my other options, water, beer, vodka soda, but his smell was intoxicating. The thing about Sug is that you always have a good time with him, it isn't until later that you begin to regret your decisions.

We often get into arguments. I tell him that I don't want to hang out all the time with him and his friend Cal O'Rie, that the two of them are trouble when they are together. He accuses me of cheating on him with Complex Carbs, even though he knows it's not the same. In the end though, we always apologize, we both know that we need each other.

My friends and family often try to tell me that he is bad for me. “Look at how he makes you feel, your relationship with him just isn’t healthy." Sometimes they are right, he is bad for me. But even though our relationship is complicated, sometimes they seem so hypocritical. “How can you say that to me? I know you guys hung out last weekend. I saw the candy wrappers in the trash!” I would say. When they would tell me that I was better off without him, it just made me want to prove them wrong. "You don't know what you are talking about, we just shared that piece of cake together and everything is fine!" At least I wanted it to be. It truly is a roller coaster when we are together, but we face those highs and lows together.

I know my friends and family just want what’s best for me, but they don’t know him the way I do! Sure Sug comes over to their houses disguised as a tub of ice cream or chocolate, and they say he helps them through their hard times and pain, but it's not the same. No one can make me feel better the way he does, no one can take away my lows as fast, no one knows what it's like to need Sugar that badly sometimes.

It's hard to say if Sugar and I should be together or not. I know that he helps me, but he has the potential to hurt me as well. We have one of those relationships that other people might not understand and may not always be perfect, but in the end, it's pretty sweet.


This post is part of Diabetes Blog Week. Today's topic: If you have been blogging for a while, what is your favorite sentence or blogpost that you have ever written?  Is it diabetes related or just life related?  

Friday, May 15, 2015

2015 Diabetes Blog Week Day 5- Diabetes Personification Wildcard

Diabetes Blog Week

Even though this topic was my idea, I'm still struggling to imagine what my diabetes would look or sound like if it were a person. Let me tell you a little about my diabetes and then maybe by the end, we can piece together what it looks like.

My diabetes is for the most more rational than emotional. It's responses can usually be calculated. You do A, then B will happen. I don't see my diabetes as an empathetic, understanding friend that when you're running late and stressed, is caring and compassionate and will give you good blood sugars. No, my diabetes doesn't pick up on cues like that, it will send you low at the most inopportune time, maybe for it's own entertainment.

My diabetes is unpredictable and can kind of be a dick sometimes. Everything will be going great and we'll be getting along fine when out of the blue he'll send me shooting high or drop me really low. WTF diabetes! We can't be friends if you do stuff like that.

But that's the thing, we aren't friends. You choose your friends. I didn't choose my diabetes, we're stuck together. We're more like family along those lines. And since I know he's not going anywhere, we try to make the best of our situation.

So if we're family, and I think I've somewhere in the post decided my diabetes is male, is he an older or a younger brother?

Like a younger sibling, my diabetes sometimes tests my limits and my patience with his daily annoyances. But with some teaching and guidance, he can be pretty well behaved. But like an older sibling, my diabetes can be manipulative. He has a way of getting me to do what he wants. When he needs something, he makes himself known and heard, but otherwise he seems content to let me live my life. I know that the often shitty way he makes me feel is his way of protecting me, his signals and alarms are a way to watch over me so that something worse doesn't happen. Like an older sibling, he also ends up teaching me through our interactions.

So I guess my diabetes is somewhat like a protective yet annoying older brother. However I can't say that I have love for my diabetes the way that I love my sibling. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd be quite happy if I never saw my diabetes ever again. It's a complicated relationship, we'll leave it at that.


This post is part of Diabetes Blog Week. The Wildcard topic: If you could personify your diabetes or that of your loved one, what would it be like?  What would it look like, what would it say, what kind of personality would it have?  Use your imagination and feel free to use images, drawings, words, music, etc. to describe it. 

Thursday, May 14, 2015

2015 Diabetes Blog Week Day 4- Changes

Diabetes Blog Week


When I think about diabetes and what I'd like to see changed, one word comes to mind. Well maybe 2, a cure would be a nice change. But the word I'd like to focus on is integration.

Integration. I could yell it from the rooftops. Integration would make diabetes so much easier to manage. It would make communication so much more effective. It would make our lives in general a little less burdensome. 


What exactly am I talking about?

I want diabetes devices talking to other diabetes devices. I want my pump, my meter, and my CGM to all communicate constantly. And while I know this is unrealistic, I wish that this communication could happen across companies so that my dexcom CGM could talk to my Medtronic pump or a Bayer meter could talk to an animas pump. I want numbers and data flowing freely from one to the other, whether it's then used in a calculation, helping to inform a decision, or just being stored for later retrieval.

I want diabetes devices talking to non diabetes devices. I want my CGM numbers and my pump talking with my phone, presenting my data (carbs, boluses, blood sugars) in an easy to read and accessible manner in an app. I want their data showing up on a graph on my computer or tablet. I want other apps that I'm using to integrate in a platform with my diabetes data, whether it's food tracking that I do or exercise tracking. How great would it be for one app that would have my carb and bolus information from my pump, graphed against my blood sugars that are collecting from my meter and CGM, informed by my Fitbit tracker active minutes and steps, and integrated with the food that I tracked during the day in My Fitness Pal?! Think about how much easier it would be to see a trends and potential causes for highs and lows. Based on the food you ate here, it looks like you gave too much insulin and that's why you dropped low here.

I want ALL of these devices talking to my doctor. I want to be able to walk into my endocrinologist's office or even my primary care physician, or eye doctor, or really any doctor's office and have all of this information available to them. I want the information from all of my devices to be consolidated into a format that is integrated right into my medical record. Then when I go to the endo, they aren't making suggestions based off of just my CGM, they are looking at the complete picture with little burden to me since all of this uploading, syncing, and integration happens automatically. 


I'm hopeful that these changes are coming soon, that this is the future of diabetes self-care. Integration will be a requirement, not just a nice feature. 


This post is part of the 2015 Diabetes Blog Week. Today's topic: 
Today let's talk about changes, in one of two ways.  Either tell us what you'd most like to see change about diabetes, in any way.  This can be management tools, devices, medications, people's perceptions, your own feelings – anything at all that you feel could use changing.  OR reflect back on some changes you or your loved one has seen or been through since being diagnosed with diabetes.  Were they expected or did they surprise you? You can read more posts on this topic here

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

2015 Diabetes Blog Week Day 3- Clean it out

Diabetes Blog Week

As many times as I've tried to empty my closet, there is one thing that just keeps lingering. It's like that piece of clothing that you really should get rid of, but something makes you hang on to it, even if it doesn't fit or you don't particularly like it anymore.

For me, I need to clean out this one stubborn bad habit I have- bolusing after I eat instead of before. This is not a new issue for me, in fact I've written about it twice before. The first time I talked about how it really comes down to control, and how giving insulin before I eat feels like giving up control of what and how much I eat. The second time I wrote about it was in reference to having a cue to remind a behavior...but obviously the cue didn't stick and the new habit never developed.

It's a habit that I know if I could develop would help a lot with my post meal spikes. So why is it stubbornly sitting in my diabetes closet?

It's probably a combination of reasons:
  • I'm forgetful, plain and simple. I don't think about bolusing often until halfway through my meal or after
  • I don't want to give the insulin and end up not eating everything I gave insulin for and then either drop low or end up eating more food than I want
  • It's something to blame for why my A1c has been pretty much hovering at the same place for the past year and not going down. It's an excuse I tell myself, a way out for why there hasn't been much positive change lately. "Well once I start doing that regularly my numbers will look better."
  • Habits are hard to break and I haven't given it the effort and investment it needs

Maybe this is the spring cleaning, the kick in the butt that I need to finally clear out this bad habit...for good. I definitely don't need it cluttering up my closet anymore.


This post is part of the 2015 Diabetes Blog Week. Today's topic: Yesterday we kept stuff in, so today let's clear stuff out.  What is in your diabetic closet that needs to be cleaned out?  This can be an actual physical belonging, or it can be something you're mentally or emotionally hanging on to.  Why are you keeping it and why do you need to get rid of it?

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

2015 Diabetes Blog Week Day 2- Keep it to yourself

Diabetes Blog Week

There's one aspect of my diabetes that I've kept hidden, hidden from the Internet and online community, hidden from my friends and family, and in many ways, even hidden from myself. What have I hidden for so long?

My fear.

When I started this blog over a year ago, I stumbled on a blog post from Six Until Me from a couple years ago about PostSecret. Kerri asked her readers, "What would be your PostSecret submission?" A lot of people responded with different "secrets" that they had, but one really struck me. This anonymous poster's secret is my own biggest fear, one that until now I have never told anyone.

"I feel that despite my best efforts, I will still end up suffering with complications, and I will have to live with the guilt of feeling like I did it to myself."


This is probably the biggest internal struggle that I have. I know that keeping my blood sugar in control now will help me to avoid future complications. This is not a hard concept for me to understand. Yet, my A1c is consistently higher than I want it and higher than the recommended number to avoid complications. So the obvious answer is, lower it! Get it under control! It seems so easy, but it's not. Every single day presents the struggle of keeping my numbers in range. Every. Single. Day. I have good days and I have bad, but I am trying.

I often wonder if I am too late, have I already done irreversible damage to my body? And who will I have to blame except myself if something does happen? Even with good control, it's still quite possible to develop complications as I have read from other diabetic's experiences. Then what? How do I explain that? How do you avoid the guilt and the blame and the "could have's"? I know that I would be saying to myself, "you could have prevented this, you could have done more, you could have done better." Maybe that isn't true though.

In many ways I'm afraid of the future. But I hide that fear among my hope and optimism. I bury it under the long list of things that I have to do each day to manage my diabetes and live my life. I know that I can't live my life in fear, I have to just live each day the best that I can and cross each complicated bridge when and if I get there.




This post is part of the 2015 Diabetes Blog Week. Today's topic: Many of us share lots of aspects of our diabetes lives online for the world to see.  What are some of the aspects of diabetes that you choose to keep private from the internet?  Or from your family and friends?  Why is it important to keep it to yourself?